Keep On Movin' On...

It’s hard to write this blog sometimes.

Sometimes I feel like I put too much of myself out here, I cuss a lot, and sometimes my subject matter is really
sad.  And even though these things are happening in real life, and this is my life, I feel the really absurd need to be profound on this blog. My life is not profound.

I feel like if I were to talk about Ronan one day and then the cookies I baked the next, that my focus may seem all over the place and insincere.  I’ve also re-read some posts that I have written and I feel like this blog is my
security blanket, in the fact, that I am always saying what I’m gonna do—at a later date.  I always feel like I can’t commit and this blog is just a way for me to drone on about the things that I only WISH I could do in my real life.   Some might think, well… just change your focus and keep going on under SugarBear Diaries, but much like the vibrancy you feel when you cut of your hair, I need a rebirth.  I’ve been thinking about this for a long time.  This will be the last post of Sugar Bear Diaries.

Don’t fret (mom), I am starting a new blog.  OhSugarBear.

I want my life to be accomplished big and small…not just a daydream or a wish.  I also have some things on the horizon that I feel warrant a less personal approach to social media.  I don’t mind sharing some details, but others need to be reserved for my close personal friends and family.  I want my blog to be a source of inspiration for others, and I want the attitude of my blog to be jovial.  I don’t want people to come to my blog and feel the like they’ve just happened upon “Debbie Downer’s” page.  Do I want my life to appear perfect on the blog?  No, because it surely IS NOT, but I don’t want to be a completely open book either.  It just isn’t working for me anymore.

As I approach 35, I want my online space to reflect things that are positive and fun and inspiring.  I have a penchant to get sucked into the “Why me?”, “I wish”, “Maybe one day” crap, and that does not need to be
portrayed on my blog.  It just doesn’t.  I want to be excited to write my blog, because it does bring me joy, but for some reason I thought if I shared anything less than everything on SugarBear Diaries I was not being
authentic.  I’ve realized there are no rules to blogging, but I do not want my blog to be a diary where I share everything.  It feels too open, too raw, too intimate.  Kinda like when you meet someone for the first time and
you know their whole life story:  good, bad and indecent in one conversation.  No thanks.

I hope if I have readers left you will join me at my new spot: OhSugarBear .

Happy New Year!


Perfectly Imperfect

Sometimes life calls for an old sheet, your favorite finger foods, and the magic that comes with having a driveway picnic.



Am I In The Wrong Job?

My "notes" from an Email Etiquette meeting this morning. It is 2011, right?
♥ ♥ ♥ Olivia


One Step At A Time...

I didn’t know him very long, but he changed my life.  He changed me as a person.  He broke my heart and healed it all at once.  He lit a fire in my soul to change the world that I didn’t even know existed. 

The Ronan Thompson Foundation
He died.

They make me want to change the world.  To break down doors, to bust down barriers, to not take no for an answer.  I want to make them proud of me.  I want them to grow old with their own beautiful families.  

I do not want them to die before me.

Children’s cancer research is grossly underfunded and it’s time for it to stop.  Our babies deserve a voice, they deserve us to never stop fighting for them.  They need advocates, and it’s our responsibility as an older generation to never give up on them and FIGHT, because they cannot do these things on their own.  We brought them into this world, we must never give up on them.  We owe this to them.

I don’t need an urn full of ashes to make me want to fight.  Imagining it...fuck...that is gut-wrenching enough for me to want to DO SOMETHING.

I found this website

Who We Are

The Children’s Oncology Group (COG) is the world’s largest, cooperative children’s cancer research entity. It brings together treatment centers, physicians, laboratory scientists, nurses, psychologists and others working to beat cancer in children, adolescents and young adults. Through collaborative research, the Children’s Oncology Group has improved rates for children’s cancer at a pace much faster than any one individual or single institution could accomplish alone. The Children’s Oncology Group research has turned children’s cancer from a virtually incurable disease 40 years ago to one with an overall cure rate of 78 percent today.
Despite major advancements in recent years, much work remains to find treatments and cures for children’s cancer. Cancer remains the leading cause of death by disease in children and two-thirds of patients have life-altering and life-threatening side effects from the currently available treatments. Children’s Oncology Group research efforts are focused on many types of cancer including those that are hardest to treat, as well as reducing complications that result from treatment.
The Children’s Oncology Group is chaired by Peter Adamson, MD. Dr. Adamson is Chief of the Division of Clinical Pharmacology & Therapeutics and Director of the Office of Clinical and Translational Research at The Children's Hospital of Philadelphia. Susan Blaney, MD is vice chair of the Children’s Oncology Group. Dr. Blaney is Vice Chair for Research in the Department of Pediatrics at Baylor College of Medicine and Deputy Director of Texas Children's Cancer and Hematology Centers.

What We Do

Children’s Oncology Group:
  • designs and conducts about 100 clinical trials annually to find the best treatments for children and adolescents with cancer;
  • conducts laboratory research that will translate into more effective treatments with reduced side effects;
  • looks for the causes of childhood cancer with the goal of one day preventing cancer;
  • conducts research to improve quality of life and survivorship; and
  • seeks international partnerships, when necessary, to fulfill its mission.
Our History
Children’s Oncology Group was formed in 2000 when four pediatric cancer clinical trials groups joined forces. Comprised of 210 treatment centers in North America, Europe, Australia, New Zealand and South Africa, COG includes more than 6,500 individual members. The COG receives funding from the national non-profit foundation, CureSearch for Children’s Cancer which receives grants from the National Cancer Institute and raises funds through philanthropic donations from individuals, special events, corporations and private foundations.
Children’s Oncology Group hospitals treat 90 percent of children with cancer in the United States, providing the unmatched combination of global expertise and local care. This means that every child and care team has complete access to the latest research and world-class treatments at hospitals within close to home.

Why is Collaborative Research Important?

While nearly 13,500 children and adolescents are diagnosed with cancer each year, there are many different kinds of children’s cancer. When divided into the specific cancer types, the number of children with each is relatively small. In research, large numbers of patients are critical to ensuring that study results are meaningful. By enrolling patients from many hospitals in the same trial, the results become statistically significant. This approach is called collaborative research and is how the Children’s Oncology Group functions.

Get Involved!  

On the curesearch.org site (click here) you can join (free) the advocate group.  Once you fill in your info, it gives you the contact info for your local congressman.  You can set aside time each week to contact your congressman.  They work for us!  It’s time WE tell THEM what we WANT.

I’m on a personal quest, although my journey is for millions.  Help me.  


With all this being said, I’m walking in the CureSearch Walk for Children’s Cancer in February of 2012 in Phoenix.  Right now, I’m a one-man team.  If you’re local, I’d love for you to join my team:  One Step At A Time.  My team goal is $5000.  If I can raise this $5000, it goes directly to Children’s Cancer Research…all of it.  Not just 3%, not just 50%...it all goes to the kids.  I know times are tough, but if you could just give up one treat for yourself (a coffee, a meal, a mani/pedi, etc. and donate it to this great cause, I would be forever grateful. 
Together we can make a difference.   One Step At A Time.

Go here to donate: 

In the words of Ben Lee...

What’s in your heart
What’s in your head
It’s one or the other these days
The quick or the dead

Sometimes we gotta fight
So don’t you complain
Cuz I never promised this would be easy babe

You and me gonna
rise up

And they will be surprised yup

Everything’s weird
Soon they’ll be gone
Cuz our whispered words
Are louder than bombs

So don’t you lose faith
And say it’s no fun
Cuz we’ve come too far to stop
Before we’re done

You and me gonna
rise up
And they will be surprised yup

Sometimes we get lost
But soon we’ll be found
This is far too important
To turn back now

You and me gonna
rise up
And they will be surprised yup



Highway Of Regret

It's always on my mind.  Sometimes hidden underneath layers of faux confidence, sometimes screaming right in my face.  But it is always within reach.

My weight.

I've never been thin.  Yes, I have been a lot thinner then I am now, but even at my fittest, I was solid muscle - no waifish figure here, and the scale still registered on a number that most women would cringe at.  I was healthy though.  No fat on my stomach...for the first time in my life.  My legs were rock hard, no cellulite, my arms had definition.  And the best...no back fat.  Clothes slid on to my body and I didn't have to suck it in, or do squats to stretch a piece of clothing out.  This was post boot camp body.  No, not as in some cheesy "boot camp" class at your local gym.  I'm talking real-life-kick-your-ass-ARMY boot camp.  Of course I was in the best shape of my life.

I have an addiction.  And at first it doesn't seem like it's a real "addiction" like heroine or meth, because my over-eating doesn't directly effect anyone.  By that I mean, I don't steal from my family to support my habit, I don't beat my kids when I come off a high or because I can't get my fix.  But, my addiction to food is real, and it's painful, and at times all-consuming.  For thin people who have never been fat I don't think it's comprehensible to understand or even tolerate.  Much like it's hard for me to understand how someone can be an alcoholic or a drug addict.

I'm quite certain I can pin-point various events in my life that have led to my behavior.  I'm not going to share those here, and I'm not blaming my food addiction solely to these events, as I am still the one who puts the fork to my mouth.  However, my past has been peppered with specific instances that have literally changed my way of thinking, and now I have to find the real Olivia that I know exists...she's just hidden under layers of fat and self-deprecation.

Everyone who has ever lost weight has the same story:  "Finally one day I just woke up and realized enough was enough."

I've had many false starts in my life, and each and every time I fail, I think that maybe I'm just destined to be a fat person.  But, there is some part of me that always is rebuking this in my head..."Go fuck yourself!  You're just lazy.  It's easier to be defeated than to get your lazy ass off the couch and actually DO SOMETHING.  You owe it to yourself.  You owe it your husband.  You owe it to your children."  Usually the devil in me wins and I don't do a damn thing.

34 has come and hit me like a fucking freight train.  I have aches and pains that I'm quite certain should be reserved for someone at least 15 years older than me.  I am broken down and I've had enough.

I had started hiking a mountain with some co-workers on our lunch breaks.  It felt good and I felt determined, and I even lost a little bit of weight.  I hadn't really worked on my eating because "one thing at a time" you know.  Then I have been plagued with some back and hip problems and I've been sidelined and it sucks.

Then I went to see my chiropractor.  He gave me some solid advice.  He told me I need to really stop focusing on the physical aspect of losing weight and getting in shape.  He told me to just start walking, and really focus on my diet.  Regardless, if I cut the crap in my diet, even with minimal exercise, I will lose weight.  He also said I need to start lifting weights to get more strength as well.  I need to do all this before I really get going on running, hiking, etc.  So, instead of going all gung-ho with physical crap, I'm going to really focus on my diet and do a little soul-searching to see why I eat what I eat.

I've become a person, a mom, a wife that I never wanted to be.  You know the kind of mom who rarely does her make-up, maybe just for special occasions, I don't do my hair...just throw it back in a fucking "mom pony", pick from my crappy selection of  "business casual" wear and go about my day.  Well, I don't like what I see in the mirror.  I haven't for a long time, but I've been defeated, until today.  I'm not sure what my plan will be, but I know I'm going to take one day at a time, and maybe even at times it will be minute by minute or hour by hour.

I read the following quote by Joy Bauer in a magazine today.  I love it.

The storms are raging
On the rolling sea
And on the highway of regret
Though winds of change
Are blowing wild and free
You ain't seen nothing
Like me yet



Thinfully Inspired

This is Melissa.  

You may remember her from here.

Melissa lost a person (120+ pounds) on her own.  No fads, no gimmicks, just A LOT of hard work.

I'm totally jealous.  Not in a bad way!  I still haven't had my "a ha" moment...I'm eating coffee ice cream right now as we speak.  But I know once I do, I'll have Melissa there cheering me on.

Melissa started a blog earlier in the month called Thinfully Inspired.  Click here to bookmark it.  Melissa is funny, encouraging without being cocky, inspiring and very down-to-earth.  Her blog is a place of reflection, honesty, encouragement and all around helpfulness when it comes to losing weight and keeping it off.  She'll show you the little tips and tricks (actually indulging in M&M's along the way) that she stuck to while on her own weight loss journey.

Again, I want to stress (because I'm so proud of her) that she lost all this weight on her own...no fad diets, no pills, no surgery, nothing.  She even posts about the day she rocked a bikini after being a size 24!

Oh, and she's a smart-ass and throws the occasional F Bomb in for good measure.

Ah, a girl after my own heart!



Could Get Used To This...

At home with a sick baby and one big sister who wanted to tag along and stay home as well.  She's his little nurse maid...taking his temp (w/a digital thermometer), checking on him all the time, getting him water, and helping him off the bed to go potty. 

Here they are all snug on our bed.  Wasn't your parents bed the safest most comfortable place to be when you're sick as a wee one?  Greg and I both remember that cozy feeling when we were little and sick and our moms would let us lay in their bed.  Ahh..heaven.
::bad cell phone picture::

They have every pillow, blanket and stuffed animal in the entire house on my bed.  Since last Thursday, Greg has been banished to Penelope's bed, while the sick-o's stay with me.  It's just easier that way for midnight water requests, lots of bathrooms trips for a potty-trained toddler who has to make the grandest spectacle of every little sprout he can muster because, "Mama!  I go potty!!" has to be announced at all times regardless of hour or how sick you are, lots of "Mama, I throw up!!", which will wake any sleeping mother out of the deepest sleep and have her snap to attention as if she were back in boot camp, only to be met with a few spits in the toilet which resemble nothing of vomit, and lots of temperature checking, and medicine giving.  My little Junior Mint has been quite sick, and this virus has given us a run for our money. 

Greg took Friday off to take care of the kids and I thought for sure we'd be on the mend by today.  Quite the contrary, last night was one of the worst nights yet for Junior Mint, and I called in today and took the rug rat back to the doctor.  This time, his strep test still showed negative, same as Saturday's visit to Urgent Care, but he now has an upper respiratory infection.  Awesome.  So, we are on a powerful does of antibiotics.  I just hope they make my little man feel better.

Even though Junior Mint is not feeling well, I am still preparing a nice meal, one of which would normally grace the weekend table.  I'm baking muffins, AND, prepare yourselves, doing laundry.  Best yet, I'm loving every single second of it.  I love the idea of making a home and in all honesty I wish I didn't have to work.  My working isn't necessarily a "have to", more of a "choose to".  We could make it without my salary, but the questions is, do we want to?  Maybe someday, but right the now the benefit (savings, fun money, retirement) of me working still outweighs me not working.  But, you better believe, I am super jealous of all the mamas and wifeys that get to stay at home and work from there. 

I would totally rock the June Cleaver role...I might even serve dinner in a dress with pearls on. 

Happy Monday!

♥ ♥ ♥