6.26.2011

Highway Of Regret

It's always on my mind.  Sometimes hidden underneath layers of faux confidence, sometimes screaming right in my face.  But it is always within reach.


My weight.


I've never been thin.  Yes, I have been a lot thinner then I am now, but even at my fittest, I was solid muscle - no waifish figure here, and the scale still registered on a number that most women would cringe at.  I was healthy though.  No fat on my stomach...for the first time in my life.  My legs were rock hard, no cellulite, my arms had definition.  And the best...no back fat.  Clothes slid on to my body and I didn't have to suck it in, or do squats to stretch a piece of clothing out.  This was post boot camp body.  No, not as in some cheesy "boot camp" class at your local gym.  I'm talking real-life-kick-your-ass-ARMY boot camp.  Of course I was in the best shape of my life.
...


I have an addiction.  And at first it doesn't seem like it's a real "addiction" like heroine or meth, because my over-eating doesn't directly effect anyone.  By that I mean, I don't steal from my family to support my habit, I don't beat my kids when I come off a high or because I can't get my fix.  But, my addiction to food is real, and it's painful, and at times all-consuming.  For thin people who have never been fat I don't think it's comprehensible to understand or even tolerate.  Much like it's hard for me to understand how someone can be an alcoholic or a drug addict.


I'm quite certain I can pin-point various events in my life that have led to my behavior.  I'm not going to share those here, and I'm not blaming my food addiction solely to these events, as I am still the one who puts the fork to my mouth.  However, my past has been peppered with specific instances that have literally changed my way of thinking, and now I have to find the real Olivia that I know exists...she's just hidden under layers of fat and self-deprecation.


Everyone who has ever lost weight has the same story:  "Finally one day I just woke up and realized enough was enough."


I've had many false starts in my life, and each and every time I fail, I think that maybe I'm just destined to be a fat person.  But, there is some part of me that always is rebuking this in my head..."Go fuck yourself!  You're just lazy.  It's easier to be defeated than to get your lazy ass off the couch and actually DO SOMETHING.  You owe it to yourself.  You owe it your husband.  You owe it to your children."  Usually the devil in me wins and I don't do a damn thing.


34 has come and hit me like a fucking freight train.  I have aches and pains that I'm quite certain should be reserved for someone at least 15 years older than me.  I am broken down and I've had enough.


I had started hiking a mountain with some co-workers on our lunch breaks.  It felt good and I felt determined, and I even lost a little bit of weight.  I hadn't really worked on my eating because "one thing at a time" you know.  Then I have been plagued with some back and hip problems and I've been sidelined and it sucks.


Then I went to see my chiropractor.  He gave me some solid advice.  He told me I need to really stop focusing on the physical aspect of losing weight and getting in shape.  He told me to just start walking, and really focus on my diet.  Regardless, if I cut the crap in my diet, even with minimal exercise, I will lose weight.  He also said I need to start lifting weights to get more strength as well.  I need to do all this before I really get going on running, hiking, etc.  So, instead of going all gung-ho with physical crap, I'm going to really focus on my diet and do a little soul-searching to see why I eat what I eat.


I've become a person, a mom, a wife that I never wanted to be.  You know the kind of mom who rarely does her make-up, maybe just for special occasions, I don't do my hair...just throw it back in a fucking "mom pony", pick from my crappy selection of  "business casual" wear and go about my day.  Well, I don't like what I see in the mirror.  I haven't for a long time, but I've been defeated, until today.  I'm not sure what my plan will be, but I know I'm going to take one day at a time, and maybe even at times it will be minute by minute or hour by hour.

I read the following quote by Joy Bauer in a magazine today.  I love it.





The storms are raging
On the rolling sea
And on the highway of regret
Though winds of change
Are blowing wild and free
You ain't seen nothing
Like me yet


Olivia

1 comment:

Pamela said...

Feels like I could have written that. My story is the same except now I am 40. Have you heard of the book "The Game On Diet?" it's not about food or calories or pounds but more about creating good habits with some friendly competition. I am reading it now and trying to get some people together to start it.